When I get stressed out I crave comfort food. I recently lost 23 pounds and part of my success was reminding myself that it will not help my stress to punish my body with sugar. However, Monday I bought three boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls. I knew I wouldn't eat them all myself; my husband (who I'll refer to as "Lindo") would eat the majority, but at 4pm Monday afternoon, I needed sugar.
Monday 5am: I took my 10th negative pregnancy test. We have been trying to have our second child for almost a year. Our first son, I'll refer to him as "Sugar," only took 2 months to conceive. I know we were very lucky and I keep hearing from everyone that 12 months is totally normal to try for a baby. But Sugar came as a C-Section after 15 hours of labor and now I am worried, something is not right.
Statistics do not help when you are in the midst of the "trying-to-conceive" roller coaster. Planned sex, ovulation predictor tests, having sex even though one or both of you is sick, or when you're out of town, or when you have company...talk about killing the romance. Then the two week wait.....no caffeine, no Advil, hopes raised....and then nothing. The emptiness of that nothing is so real.
I know I am luckier than others. I have never lost a child. I have never known that emptiness and I pray I never will. And in the depths of the loss of what I never had, I still have Sugar's precious smile to bring me out of the pit. I KNOW I am one of the lucky ones. But looking at the "not pregnant" glaring at me, it still hurts.
Monday 8:30am: My husband, Lindo, calls to say he has been sideswiped by a semi truck. Thankfully he is okay, but the car is not. In the summer, Lindo quit his job to go back to get his accounting degree. He has a part time paid internship that basically means we are not quite breaking even every month once you subtract child care and gas. We have all been sick over the past 3 months and the bills are stacked up. After we ran out of savings our credit card is getting dangerously out of control due to cars needing batteries, tires, valves, etc and our doctor bills. Now we get to pay for a new door on the car, unless by some miracle the state decides to declare the truck responsible.
Made it home. Hugged my Sugar and my Lindo. Ate Swiss Cake Rolls.
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