Snow Globes and Snow Days

There is a snow globe of New York City on our shelf in our living room.  It's next to our TV so I look at it very day.  (Yes.  I love to watch TV). The Chrysler Building, The Empire State Building, St Patrick's Cathedral, The Brooklyn Bridge and The Statue of Liberty are all squished nicely together in the peaceful glass dome.  Sometimes, I shake it and watch the tiny white flakes create a winterscape over the familiar skyline.  My husband is from New York City and when we decided to settle down south, a friend was sweet enough to give it to us for moments of nostalgia. 

When my husband and I were dating, and for the first few years of our marriage, we thought we might eventually move there and join many of our friends.  But then reality of taxes, square footage (or lack thereof) and rent made us look else where to settle down and start a family.

When I start to struggle with the pity party temptation, the snow globe always taunts me.  It's as if it symbolizes dreams that never came to fruition.  I see (thank you facebook) the houses, families, vacations and jobs that my friends have and I think..."what if I had..."; "if only we had..."; "why does everything seem to be so easy for them?"  Friends, (and family) that have seemingly fallen into amazing careers, amazing homes, tried for their babies for only one or two months...never seeming to struggle.  I often wonder, "what choices have I made that have made my life so much more difficult?"  Then I think of one of my favorite quotes from Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I know this is true.  I have a beautiful, healthy family, a home that is warm in winter and cool in summer, and a job.  Then I look at the snow globe.  I think of all the things I thought I would be able to do at this point in my life: take a vacation, go out to eat or get a Starbucks without feeling guilty, buy a second pair of jeans, save for my son's college, save...period.  But here I am, 30 next month, my baby is not a baby anymore and wants a sibling to play with, and I can't get myself a Starbucks or a sibling for my son.

Friday we got out of school for a snow day (with a grand total of 0.04" of snow that was gone by noon--thank you southern schools!).  The snow seemed to cover all the anxiety of the last week: my 10th negative pregnancy test, the car accident, the unexpected traffic fines, dreams that are not.  I was able to play in the snow with my son and forget about everything, like for once we were inside that peaceful snow globe.  Slowly, reality settles back in, like the snow melting outside.  But I have to fight the pity party that will surely follow...

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."  Philippians 4:5-7

When it rains it pours Swiss Cake Rolls part 1

When I get stressed out I crave comfort food.  I recently lost 23 pounds and part of my success was reminding myself that it will not help my stress to punish my body with sugar.  However, Monday I bought three boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls.  I knew I wouldn't eat them all myself; my husband (who I'll refer to as "Lindo") would eat the majority, but at 4pm Monday afternoon, I needed sugar. 

Monday 5am: I took my 10th negative pregnancy test.  We have been trying to have our second child for almost a year.  Our first son, I'll refer to him as "Sugar," only took 2 months to conceive.  I know we were very lucky and I keep hearing from everyone that 12 months is totally normal to try for a baby.  But Sugar came as a C-Section after 15 hours of labor and now I am worried, something is not right. 

Statistics do not help when you are in the midst of the "trying-to-conceive" roller coaster.  Planned sex, ovulation predictor tests, having sex even though one or both of you is sick, or when you're out of town, or when you have company...talk about killing the romance.  Then the two week wait.....no caffeine, no Advil, hopes raised....and then nothing.  The emptiness of that nothing is so real. 

I know I am luckier than others.  I have never lost a child.  I have never known that emptiness and I pray I never will.  And in the depths of the loss of what I never had, I still have Sugar's precious smile to bring me out of the pit.  I KNOW I am one of the lucky ones.  But looking at the "not pregnant" glaring at me, it still hurts.

Monday 8:30am: My husband, Lindo, calls to say he has been sideswiped by a semi truck.  Thankfully he is okay, but the car is not.  In the summer, Lindo quit his job to go back to get his accounting degree.  He has a part time paid internship that basically means we are not quite breaking even every month once you subtract child care and gas.  We have all been sick over the past 3 months and the bills are stacked up.  After we ran out of savings our credit card is getting dangerously out of control due to cars needing batteries, tires, valves, etc and our doctor bills.  Now we get to pay for a new door on the car, unless by some miracle the state decides to declare the truck responsible.

Made it home.  Hugged my Sugar and my Lindo.  Ate Swiss Cake Rolls. 

Being Odelia

My life has become stressful recently.  It is not the stress of those who have suffered great loss or of those enduring severe hardship. 

The stress of my life has been brought on because I refuse to BE STILL.  "Be still and know I AM GOD."  PS 46:10.  Why can't I follow those simple instructions? 

The decision to start blogging is one I thought about for a long time.  It is not due to my overwhelming ability to communicate in the written word or because I have all the answers in life.  The opposite is true on both counts.  I needed to force myself out of a pity party and begin living up to my name, Odelia, which means "I will praise God."  If my mediocre struggles can be relatable to even one other person, maybe we can lean on each other.

So, I will attempt to listen to God one day at a time.

When I want what others have.  BE STILL.
When all the smallest, petty annoyances seem to become larger than life. BE STILL.
When I cry out to God to answer the desires of my heart. BE STILL.
When God says no.  BE STILL.